Elon Musk to Remove 75% of Organs

Joseph Mellor
3 min readNov 16, 2022

The genius tech billionaire has a new plan to reduce his weight, food costs, and potential medical costs.

Credit: DonkeyHotey on Wikipedia

Through his understanding of science, his sharp business sense, and his relentless desire for profit, Elon Musk has turned his inheritance and billions of dollars in government money into several of the world’s most successful companies. But now, he’s turning his long list of skills to a new frontier: his own body.

“I first got the idea when I started working on the Neuralink. The Neuralink allows users to connect to computers directly with their brains instead of having to use their hands like some kind of caveman, but it took up too much space. If we wanted to keep the Tesla Home Connect circuit, the Dehumanization circuit, and the Crypto Mining circuit, we had to cut the space somewhere. After consulting Reddit, I found a lot of people willing to sell their organs to buy my products and that’s when I realized that you don’t need that many organs.”

Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jurvetson/48309245662/

When asked which organs he planned to remove, he said:

“You can remove any organs you have two of. Kidneys, lungs, you know. You just have to make sure you balance the weight so you don’t fall over. Then, there are a lot of organs that you don’t care about. I mean, what even is a spleen? Just another thing that takes up space. It can get you sick, too, like the appendix. I’ve heard that it takes up 90% of the calories you eat, too. By removing it, I can save a few million dollars on food costs alone.”

Credit: Debbie Rowe on Wikipedia

We asked if he planned on donating the organs he removed from his body. He looked puzzled and slightly angry.

“I can make a few billion off these organs. My fans will buy anything I put out at any price, especially if they’re like a relic. Why would I donate them?”

This royalty-free picture approximates his expression after we asked him about donating his organs. Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/mincomunicacoes/52090376100/

We also asked how his organ removal integrates with his other business ventures.

“While I may have started removing organs to make space for the Neuralink, I’m starting to think that it might be a good idea to remove even more organs. With the self-driving Teslas coming out tomorrow, I’m wondering if I even need legs anymore. As long as I have a blast shield, I’m fine. Plus, I get to be like Robocop from the Robocop movies and Cyborg from the Cartoon Network TV show Teen Titans (2003). Booyah, am I right?”

Elon laughing at his own pop culture reference. Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jurvetson/52005460639/

We then asked if he was worried about the upcoming surgeries.

“Not at all. I bought the hospital where I plan to get the surgeries and fired 75% of the staff, so it should be much more efficient and therefore better.”

As the interview ended, we asked if he had anything else he wanted to say.

“Please think I’m cool.”

This is one of a few images that I can use in this article without paying hundreds of dollars, so you bet I’m using it twice. Credit: Debbie Rowe on Wikipedia

Editor’s Note: We decided to remove certain tags after watching this video on specific Supreme Court briefs, though it would have been in line with this joke.

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Joseph Mellor

BS in Physics, Math, and CS with a minor in High-Performance Computing. You can find all my articles at https://josephmellor.xyz/articles/.